I am a fighter.
No matter how tired I am at night
I get up in the morning ready to face the day.
Life wasn't always like that.
There were so many days that I was exhausted 24/7.
And even when I did go to sleep, I didn't sleep.
Then, when the morning came, the only thing I wanted was for the day to be over.
Those days, filled with so much misery and dread tested me to my limits.
I don't know why I was never successful with the times I tried to end my life or even why or how my body sustained such terrible treatment, neglect, and punishment I put myself through.
Yet my heart continued to tick every second and bring me to a time that I was ready to embrace life, deal with the crap, and move forward.
Falling down is part of life, getting back up is living.
Well so is falling down.
But falling down isn't the important part as humans.
We are trained to focus on the falling down when what we really should focus on is getting back up.
Maybe we fell down 1,000 times, yet we got up 1,001 times.
You can't learn without falling
So that means you can't live without falling.
Stop shaming yourself for all those falls because you wouldn't be living now without them.
The sun is the most beautiful and life giving creation we have.
Without the sun we'd be in the dark.
It'd be cold and it'd be lonely.
Like the sun, we are all needed to warm and lift each other up.
We are needed to lend a hand when others have fallen.
Like the sun, don't ask for anything in return.
Do it out of the goodness of your heart.
Instead of praises and things; you will have the best gift of all.
Knowing you've touched a life and brought peace and hope to their soul.
Be the sunshine that lights the way for someone else.
Being scared shows you're real.
It shows that you are not in dreamland or half alive.
This world is scary.
Fear keeps us rooted in reality.
It keeps us rooted in wise decisions.
Don't underestimate fear.
It can be your best teacher, if you don't let it stop you from trying.
"This piece is Acrylic Painting on a canvas.
This started out as an accidental heart...then I tried to make some chakra/rainbow representation...but the canvas turned and I got back to my waterscapes. It was fun, it was spontaneous, it was messy, and most of all distracting.
Recovering from an eating disorder takes some trial-and-error, and A LOT of mind games. In order to love yourself again and recover, there are signals from your own body and voices in your head you have to ignore-to constantly neglect. There’s neurological pathways that have been fed by the conditioning of hunger. They are giving you false hope, false recognition, false satisfaction. It’s a constant battle inside your mind between your senses and your voices...which one is right? Is this even right? It doesn’t feel like it. It consumes you.
It’s tiring, it’s loud, it’s messy, and it’s overwhelming. It’s almost as if it would be easier to stay in the disorder, in the semi-recovery zone, where your body is still celebrated, where your choices and physical existence doesn’t have to be a protest every day.
This piece helped me overcome a lot of strong emotion these past couple months. It’s uncomfortable for me, but it’s my proof. My proof of what’s underneath what’s to come. I’ve thought about covering it up with a lighter, more precise water scene, that makes me feel happier, more content. So far it’s just My Proof."
I am married to a man that I met at a writing group and have 2 big dogs that bring a lot of joy to my life. I like to go camping and hiking and spend time with my friends and family. I have been a registered nurse for 10 years and work with people who have mental health issues and people with drug and alcohol addictions. I have been in recovery from my eating disorder since Oct 2013.